I told you I go zero to one thousand when I find myself infatuated with someone. This is one of those times.

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It’s weird. I already thought about how I was going to tell my family about you. My blood family, that is. Aunts, cousins, my brother. They’ll know about you. Everyone else has to earn that privilege. Even people that I love. I’m that protective.

I made a pact with myself to keep any relationship I have on the q-ist of t’s. Simply because folks don’t know how to act. There’s an encroachment into my business that I’m not ready for. But yet, I’m writing about you on a public forum. That just won’t know who the “you” is.

Until they have no choice but to know who you are.

You joked that you just met your wife. Know that as a Christian, I don’t take that as a joke. I often say that the first person that I ever form a committed relationship with will be the last. My life is full of so many should-could-would be boyfriends, that the real thing would be the right thing. I joke with God that maybe He put me through that to finally be done once I find the one God really wants me to be with. Like, engaged-in-less-than-six-months done.

Can’t say that you are that person just yet but it would be dope to see you try.

I told you, man. One thousand miles a minute. But it feels good.

Because I’ve been dead for a while.

I tried to give my heart to someone last year and failed. I realize now that I gave in to cope from a traumatic incident that was so heartless. He cared when I thought men would never care again. So I fell hard. The first dude to show interest in me since my Dad died. I committed before he could tell me that he wasn’t in the space to show up.

So I gave up on dudes, period. But you feel lonely. But you want to talk to someone. Especially when you possess all of this energy to make someone feel like a king. It brims over from within me. Somebody needed to catch that wrath.

It’s too early to tell if it’s you. But again, it’s dope to see you try.

That phone call was 157 minutes. Dead tired but not trying to get off of the phone. You made me laugh. I needed that laugh. Every answer you gave surprised me. You’re wild complex but in a good way. You said that you never felt like you could tell a woman about yourself. From scratch. That’s a real feeling. We often feel like we need to hide our stories in order to project who we want for others to see. But when you find a space to truly be yourself, you tell your story in a way that almost leaves you empty. But that means others will fill you up with love.

Let’s keep going. Whatever that means.

Like I told you, I’m scared. This isn’t new but it’s new.

I’m saved. How I view relationships is based off my relationship with the Creator. So that changes how I view every partnership God brings my way.

That means I have to pray about you, to continue to build the discernment that you are truly the one. Or just the one right now. I fear bringing our relationship to God and God telling me that it’s over. Because there’s something about you that I don’t want to let go of.

Again, zero to a thousand real quick.

This will all make sense as we build. I just want to build. With you.

Memoirist in spirit and in truth. Christian essayist when both the spirit and truth move me. email: crjtwrites[at]

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