I don’t know if I would stay with a man that cheated on me and only felt elevated levels of empathy for me after I gave birth to his child.
But I’m not married.
I’ve never been in a committed relationship.
I can barely commit to a thought.
So I don’t even know what I’d do.
Especially since I’ve dated men who wouldn’t even acknowledge me in public.
So this is ground that I have no business walking on. But it still makes me angry.
I keep listening to “4:44” off of the new album of the same name by Jay-Z and the levels of heat in my chest keep intensifying.
I get legit angry. For a woman that I don’t know much about outside of what she’s crafts for us to see. But then we heard this album by Beyonce that explored a pissed-off Black woman scorned. And I felt it all to the core of my soul.
Even though I’ve never been married. Even though I’ve never been in a committed relationship. Even though I can’t even commit to a thought.
It’s just the idea of love is so much a part of the fabric that makes you and I and us that we can’t help but take it the highest level of seriousness. Even though we’re supposed to love everyone on principle. Love ain’t that radical. We’ve just made it that way through our faults.
These faults that say that you have to love someone through it all. That you should give someone your all to prove that you do. That you must forgive them without provocation. Because that’s what love does. That is what lovers do.
But I’m still angry.
Angry at all the times I thought I loved but I really lusted. Angry at the times when I said that I loved him and he said that he didn’t deserve it. And meant it. And I agreed.
Angry at the all the times when I had to ask myself if I was making a mistake by aligning myself with someone that I knew wasn’t right for me because I wanted to look right in the eyes of others. The crazy things we do for acceptance. Love doesn’t always equal acceptance.
The crazy things we do for love.
I think about the privilege to be in the space of a couple that has been married for over 70 years and walking away thinking that I don’t deserve that. I can barely commit to loving myself. How can I expect that from someone else?
Listening to an album where a man admits the faults in his marriage. How he cheated on his wife. How he asked her “to not embarrass him.” How he says that he wasn’t ready. How he played her, parading thoughts and ideas of other women in her face. How she lost children during pregnancies because he wasn’t around enough.
to not embarrass him.” How he says that he wasn’t ready. How he played her, parading thoughts and ideas of other women in her face. How she lost children during pregnancies because he wasn’t around to care enough.
But he loved her. And she loved him.
And they vowed — through their vows — to work it out.
And I’m vexed as to how.
But I’m not married.
And I’ve never been in a committed relationship.
And I can barely commit to a thought.
This is part of my attempt to write every day in July. You can follow the series here.