Allow Me to Overreact. Or Maybe Signal A Cry for Help.

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There’s a beauty in admitting your faults. We are not perfect. We never were nor were we built to be. Perfectionism is draining. Especially when you come from a culture that perpetuates the idea that we must be in order to survive. The weak don’t survive. There’s a strength in using your purported weakness to falsely display your strength. I used my problems to survive, I turned my weakness intro strengths. My greatest weakness was really my strength. Colloquialisms like that.

My weakness are noted. And seen. And have been my downfall. I find pleasure in being my personal conduit for my pain. So I can’t escape that and I refuse to but I need to. Because of my weakness belittles whatever strength I thought I had within me.

And that’s the beauty and the beast of it all. The beauty is that I identify what they are. The beast is that I acknowledging them by exhibiting them. And that in turn, is the ultimate problem. So I must find the ultimate solution, whatever that may be.

People say that’s God. I do agree. But I find myself straying from what brought me to this point and I can’t really figure out why that is the case. Supposedly, I’m not feeling defeated. Which is true to a degree. But whatever light there is supposed to be at the end of the tunnel, I currently don’t see it. Or my pride is blocking the light. Or I’m over everything, which I don’t want to be. Not in the least bit.

I think my life should be in a different trajectory in which it is currently gliding because I know that my spirit shouldn’t sit in something that isn’t the best for me and it already does not like it. So I understand the beasts as to which I’m operating with and I know that they need to change. But will they? They need to. The last place that I need to be is in a situation like I was last year.

So what am I do now. What do I need to do? Stay heavy in my faith, believe that things can and will turn around. Or do I surrender to everything that seems to be happening and seal my own fate with my own downfall. I don’t want to and I think that’s quitting.

But you wave the white flag when you quit with contentment.

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