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You wanna box? Let’s box.

I’m fifteen minutes away from leaving the house and you crippled me. Hit me with low energy, caused my mind to make up excuses as to why I shouldn’t leave. You hit me with feelings of embarrassment. You hit me with feelings of anxiety. You hit me with feelings of alienation. And that shit worked. I’m sleeping through phone calls and text messages from people who care to know that I’m okay. You bred nonchalance to all of that.

I actually slept last night. I was in the presence of God’s people yesterday. I woke up this morning in a brief moment of joy. I didn’t pick up my phone first. I tried to meditate, talk to God. My mind was still cloudy but I tried. Especially since I hadn’t talk to God with intention in weeks. I washed clothes. I made a plan to leave the house early so I could get some tea at my favorite coffee shop and apply for jobs.

And then you kicked in like you always do.

You kicked me down like you always do.

I know you think this is funny. I know you want me to doubt what God is doing and that God will see me through. I know you want me to doubt that I correctly listened to God’s call. And even if was wrong that God can’t get His hands inside of it all and redeem it like He has, does and will do. I know you rather have me sleep my days off, crowd my mind with pointless YouTube videos. I know you rather have me refresh my Twitter all day. I know you rather have me sit in the dark and stifle my movement so my roommates think that I am not home.

And that happened. Even after a day where I felt like I could finally get myself on board. So your bullshit motives were on purpose. You did this to make me fall. That’s how you work. You caused me to fall.

What is it about me trying to live a life with purpose that bothers you? What is it about me finding my voice after I suffered in the shame of silence for years? Someone like me with purpose and power of God behind me scares you, doesn’t it? Because of what I can do, right? Because when I get a chance to tell my story, when I get a chance to proclaim what God has done for my life, it proves to the world how fraudulent you really are. It shows how much power you don’t possess. It shows that you ain’t as powerful as the world likes to give you credit for.

That you really ain’t shit.

I’m the one that is worth something. You ain’t.

So you go after me because it benefits you to do so. And you keep me in isolation because that’s where you do your best work.

You have me sitting in silence questioning everything. You have me sitting in my silence questioning whether or not God loves me. You have me questioning my connection to God. I know God’s voice when I hear it. I know when God is pushing me. Because God only pushes me into places that glorify. There isn’t gore involved. You want destruction. You want implosion. You have me up here thinking that this is comeuppance for that things I’ve done. You have me up here thinking that this is payback for past decisions.

God doesn’t work like that. You work like that. So I know that this is your work.

At this point, I’m done. You kept me from people that I love. You kept me from accessing my covering through God’s people.

You wanna come at me, let’s fight. I’m throwing hands. You ain’t about to come at me like this anymore. I know Who is on my side. I know Whose armor to wear. If we really about to go at it, my calvary is ready. I know I have people praying for me. I know I have people advocating for my peace of mind. I know I got God. Even through all of this, I still believe from the core of my being that God is present, God is working and that God has all of the answers.

Your arms are too short to box with me but if you really want to try me, try me.

I’m ready.

I’m protected. You ain’t.

Memoirist in spirit and in truth. Christian essayist when both the spirit and truth move me. email: crjtwrites[at]gmail.com

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