Kick Out of You

Time away makes me come back to you, I can’t deny…

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Dwele’s ‘Subject’ is one of the most important albums to my life. I met this album when I was sixteen years-old, a time when I didn’t know left and right but I could tell you what love was supposed to feel like. For some reason, I felt like this is what healthy love would feel like. I wanted to know what it felt like to be a part of something that glowed so luminously that others would be jealous. Again, didn’t know left from right but I knew that this, how this album described love, was the rightest of right.

My favorite song on this album is called “Kick Out of You”. If I ever get married, this will be our wedding song.

I listened to this song when I woke up this morning. Rather, I was up from not being able to fall asleep. It fit with how I felt. I’m in this space where I want to get a kick out of someone. But I was really struck by a facet of the song I never noticed — the woman of his heart affected his creativity.

Can I tell you that is my biggest fear?

I’m learning that nothing — and no one — will compromise my creative individuality. The only voice able to shift that is God and right now, where She has me is where I am: creatively selfish and unapologetic. I dread the day that someone I love affects my creativity so much that I question anything about my art. Like fam, this is my safe space.

But this song talks about feeling so in love, so mushy and in that glow, that she brings “out the romantic” in him. She kicks his soul, she kicks his art. Her love has him in his vapors. They “coincide” in love.

Whew. Get me that.

I’m still so blown away that I found this song at sixteen to be the blueprint for how love is supposed to feel and that I’ve been chasing that feeling ever since. I remember sitting in my mother’s living room with this song on repeat as I worked on my Calculus homework just zoning out to what the future may hold for me and my love energy. I wanted this energy so bad, it damn near choked me.

I feel this way about “My Kinda Love” by Sarah Vaughan too. That song feels like love. So light, so carefree. Like I’m floating. Is that what it feels like? Feels like I’ve been drowning in everything the opposite of this feeling.

You know what are my favorite songs by Beyonce? Those songs where her love has gone unrequited. Like “I Care”.

Especially “Love Drought”.

I’ll always be committed, I been focused

I always paid attention, been devoted

Tell me, what did I do wrong?

Oh, already asked that, my bad

But you my lifeline, think you tryna kill me?

Girl. I felt that so deep. Because it’s always been one way.

Jhene Aiko’s “The Worst” …

And don’t take this personal

But you’re the worst

You know what you’ve done to me

And although it hurts I know

I just can’t keep runnin’ away

I don’t need you, I don’t need you, I don’t need you, I don’t need you

But I want you

Because I know what it means to chase the worst because you just want to be able to say that you’ve been chasing something. Because a lack of a chase means that you ain’t worth being chased your damn self.

I rather chase this feeling that “Kick Out of You” brings without bringing up “The Worst”.

This is my attempt to write every day in July. To follow this series, follow the hashtag #wedj2019!

Memoirist in spirit and in truth. Christian essayist when both the spirit and truth move me. email: crjtwrites[at]gmail.com

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