We had so much in common, I felt like he got my humor. I adored his ‘steez’. He seemed like the perfect gentleman who could hem me up if need be. Could there be like Erykah Badu says, a “next lifetime”?
Every time I scroll past his posts on Instagram, I wonder “what if?” What if he didn’t have an on-and-off situation when we met? What if I wasn’t going through the beginning stages of a life crisis and using wack men to deal with it? What if it actually worked out in our favor, worked out in a way that I think we both wanted but could never make happen. Could there be like Erykah Badu says, a “next lifetime”?
I wish the universe worked that way, where we could right our wrongs with a snap of our fingers. I would do a lot of things differently but I’m not sure that changing the trajectory of our friendship would be one of them. There was no guarantee that we’d work, not even a guarantee in the slightest that he felt that type of way about me. I just wonder if the general intrigue would have grown to actual attraction if she wasn’t in the way.
I kinda felt like her being in the way was the reason. I know my life being in the way was my reason. If I could, it wouldn’t have worked. He deserved to be with someone lightyears more stable than I was at the time. In short, I was a mess and I transferred that mess onto other people, thank God he never caught that wrath.
We had so much in common, I felt like he got my humor. I adored his ‘steez’. He seemed like the perfect gentleman who could hem me up if need be. I could bring him home to my Dad. I think my Dad would have loved him if they ever met. All my Dad wanted for me was to find someone to take care of me. He loved a blue-collar man for me. I think that’s why I love them too. Head down, off to work. Just like my Dad.
I just played “Jupiter Love” by Trey Songz. I remember when we were in his car, this song played often as we talked about life. We talked about futures, about changing the world. It was such a platonic conversation that I wish so bad to turn romantic. I wanted that “I would love to build a future with you…” to come from his lips. Me and dudes inside of cars was never platonic. Why did this situation have to end up like this?
I think they’re married now. She’s a beautiful girl, I get why he kept that relationship on as much as he could. I just wonder if I was on my best behavior, if I played my position, then I might be the girl he’d call when things were off. But I was that girl for so many men in my life, why would have asked to do that again. I was so happy with being an option, damn a priority.
I was barely an option and I was gone into my own mind thinking about futures. Especially when the best friend thought we’d be cute together, when the auntie says that he’s the type I should try to marry. Maybe I can find another. Or maybe we can meet next lifetime. I hope that he stays around.
This is my attempt to write every day in July. To read more, follow the hashtag #wedj2019!