What I want to write about, I can’t. Not because I’m angry about the repercussions that come with transparency. I fear having others inside of this singular part of my business. All of the emotions that I feel right now should be carried out onto this space but tonight, I want to keep it to myself.
I’m embarrassed that I feel the way that I do. I shouldn’t even have a feeling attached to it. But all I want to do is curl up in my bed and write about the current tune playing inside of my heart because that’s all I know about when it comes to letting go. On the page and into the universe, that’s the motto.
I often wonder when is it too much, when do we do ourselves a solid to keep our mouths shut. There’s power in silence, I’m learning that now. But I also realize that omission can be seen as worse than a lie. Shut up and shhh… or con and cover? I can’t tell you right now which one feels worse.
I told a best friend of mine that I wanted to keep certain aspects of my life to myself because people don’t know how to act. Really, it’s because I don’t know how to act. I’ve seen people tell their souls for attention. I’ve seen people be super brash, brazen and bold for followers. Salaciousness sells. I know that with certain news, I’d fight hard not to run my mouth because speaking that truth would be used as proof that I matter and that my existence is valid. That’s the worst kind.
But as I sit here, all I want to write about is what happened. All I want to let go into the universe is this feeling that makes zero sense but yet all the sense in the world. I think I fear these emotions that I feel. Or maybe embarrassed by it all, who knows.
I think I said that already. So maybe that’s my answer.