I thought the image was a beautiful display of self-love, sensuality and body positivity. She and I are built the same. Sometimes you need reinforcement that you are sexy and beautiful. I reposted it because it made me feel that way.
He thought it was me and sent a text to make sure. Why? Because it could get in the wrong hands. He didn’t want for other men to use that picture for activities that I can’t mention here. He said that he’d report it. I think he was joking but not really.
He knows my past life on Tumblr. Days when I would be just like her or doing a lot worse. He didn’t want to see me back at it.
It’s beautiful to have people in your life that will hold you accountable. People who know you at your worst and refuse to see you dip your toe in the worst of your own waters. For me, this is new. Especially when one of those people is a man. That is a welcomed development.
Men tend to bring out the worst behavior. They want to see me fail and it’s usually all for their benefit. To have someone check me in his own way to make sure that I wasn’t doing my bidding made me smile. It’s good to know that a man has my back even when he can’t have access to my front.
Friendship is beautiful that way.
I sent a screenshot to one of my homegirls because she needed to know that I found myself in a welcomed predicament. I knew the right answer but I didn’t want to give it up. She saw the question and wondered out loud how I was going to respond. She knows my struggles and my desires. She knows how bad I want to violate my own rules for a false feel-good moment. When I texted her my response, me standing my ground in a way that was painful to all parts of my heart, she told me that she was proud of me.
It encouraged me to know that I can continue to make the right decisions. Someone in my corner gets me.
I think “accountability partner” is an overused thing. If they are truly your friend, they hold you accountable on general principle. If they aid in your failure, they aren’t your friend. Feels very straightforward to me. But I realize that in this walk and journey, you will find people who don’t aid in your demise but are afraid to tell you when you’re doing that work all on your own. You don’t want to offend anyone, you don’t want to lose a friend. Honesty means transparency. It’s easy to feel naked and vulnerable when people now see what you’ve been trying to hide.
But we fail as brothers and sisters, friends, homie and homegirls, bruh and sis, if we don’t look out for our people. Four eyes are better than two. What if he saw that picture and let it slide? What if she saw my text and didn’t support me for standing my ground. They’ll be more pictures on Tumblr. I’d be at his house. I’d be carrying a load of regret.
Even though I knew better than to do those things, it’s dope to have people in your corner who see that you want to operate differently and support you. It’s amazing to have folks that refuse to see you fail. They want to encourage you to keep doing the right thing. They see you.
Not bent over on Tumblr, though.
This is my attempt to write every day in July. To read more, follow the hashtag #wedj2019!