Wedding Bells (*Silence*)

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I’d marry Michael B. Jordan in a heartbeat. Trust.

There’s something extremely profound in hearing a man in his 30s say that he fears never getting married.

To be real, I never thought men possessed the capacity to think that way. Not that I think that men’s portrayal of loveless creatures lay true. But really that one man would find a safe space to relays his fears to the world.

I know that he is not the only one. It’s still laboring to hear.

I’m turning 30 in less than two weeks. I’m not married. Someone asked me if I wanted to get married and truth of the matter is that I’m always baffled by that question.

Short answer is yes. The more I grow in my faith, the more I find it to be beneficial. That sounds like a financial transaction, I know. But, like, Genesis tells us that God orchestrated us to never be on our own. We weren’t built that way.

My best friend is getting married soon. I know several married couples. The wild thing is that they are all younger than me. So then that makes me wonder if it will ever happen at all for me.

I often tell myself that other’s life trajectories will never match my own. I wasn’t built to get married at 22 but some folks are and that’s okay. I don’t judge or shame, that’s pointless. But it does make me wonder if I missed the right one. Makes me wonder that if I made better decisions, then my life would be different.

It does make me think about mistakes. And second chances. I know that there is one person in my past that I’d married today if asked. The rest are trash. The relationship or situation was trash, not the person.

Because I wasn’t all too great either. I wasn’t material then either. I had a lot of growing up to do, still do.

But women are taught to think about these things and answer these questions. Women are asked when they are getting married and having children. Women are chastised by letting their uterus chill out for a minute.

Men are never asked those questions. Or so I thought.

So when I watched actor Michael B. Jordan, known for Creed and Fruitvale Station, say in Jay Z’s documentary for the ‘4:44’ album, say that he fears never getting married, I damn near dropped my phone.

He fears never experiencing a marriage like he witnessed between his parents. He doesn’t want to be old and alone. His lifestyle attracts women that he doesn’t see himself marrying. Relationships mean marriage. He’s that old school.

And extremely brave for making that statement in a world that tells him to have sex with everything moving.

My Dad was in his 30s when he and my mother married. She was close to her 30s too. So I’m not far off from what my DNA did. But I wonder if my Dad had those same thoughts. I wonder if my Mom ever wondered if she was getting married.

I wonder if that fear of the unknown is genetic.

Who knows.

This is part of my attempt to write every day in July. You can follow the series here.

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