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high school Ci.

To be honest, I am so tired that I can’t even blink anymore.

Up since 4 AM, trying to make a living, tried and tested through the day.

I’m working on a long form piece that will drop tomorrow (7/9) but in the meantime, I wanted to post something that I wrote when I was 15 years old.

Remember when I said that I wrote B2K fanfiction? Well below is the prologue for a never released story called “Stressing The Summer”. I believe it was going to be about the main character falling in love with someone that actually cared about her. How that would manifest, eh… who knows.

It amazes me. The revelation I had about love and past relationships is still true almost 15 years later. Never realized I was that clairvoyant.

I was (am) a dope writer, man. Young Ci killed.

(Plus this introduction counts as writing something in July. I think.)

You can say all you want to about love. You can listen to everyone tell you about it. You can listen to your favorite song croon about it. You can look in a million dictionaries to find a real definition. But at the end of the day, you have to realize that everyone’s take on love is based on their own experiences, those you have most likely have not gone through. And when you do, if ever you do, things will change, sometimes for the better or for the worse.

Jarell thought he knew what love was. He thought that he could pick out one girl and he could fall in love with her. But with every girl that he chose, he never really “fell in love” with them. He saw them as something more physical more than anything. So for every time that he would try to find that person, he couldn’t do it. And he could never figure out why.

Ciara: So what’s up wit you. I missed you

Jarell: Yeah

Ciara: Yeah… that’s all you can say to me is “yeah”

Jarell: Well I mean, yeah

Ciara: So what’s the deal with this girl you was trying to tell me about?

Jarell: She’s my girlfriend now.

Ciara: Oh really

Jarell: Yeah, me and her kinda…

Ciara: Okay umm…can I call you back in like 20

Jarell: Aight peace

Ciara thought that she had found the one for her. She was all into Jarell’s mix. She was treating him as if he was her’s. But as soon as she goes away for a long time, he gets somebody else. They were talking about their future before she left. And now she wished that she never met him…

[Ciara’s thoughts] I wasted eight months on him, gave him so many chances. Even forgot about all that “he don’t commit” s*** cuz I thought that I could change him. I got played so badly. I feel like I used to the core so bad its crazy. He may not see it that way, but I was. I was treated like dirt in my eyes. I was a fix until he could find one. That’s the funny thing cuz there were times when he would say to me that he would want to mess with me. But as soon as I leave, you “mysteriously” find the right one. Maybe I was holding him back. But all he had to do was tell me that I was doing that. But for some reason, he has a problem with telling me stuff like that.

Ciara: Hey

Jarell: Hey umm…can you hold on?

Holding… holding… holding…holding…holding…

Jarell: Yeah umm…[mumbles] You wanna be on 3-way with my girl?

Ciara: What you say? I can’t even hear you

Jarell: You want to be on 3-way with my girl?

Ciara: Umm … I’m not really cool with that so I guess Imma holla at you later. Peace

Hanging up the phone was the only thing that Ciara could’ve done. That was the only thing that she felt that she could do to end the whole thing. She gave him all of her time. Time that was wasted and now all she wants to do is just forget about all of the time that she spent with him. She’s taking a boyfriend break, until someone sweeps her off her feet…

This is part of my attempt to write every day in July. You can follow the series here.

Memoirist in spirit and in truth. Christian essayist when both the spirit and truth move me. email: crjtwrites[at]

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