You Can’t Stay Here
I call on you when I’m stressed out. You feel so good when you’re inside of me. You numb my pain and help me escape from all of my worst moments. I fall asleep still buzzing from your touch. I wake up in regret, hurling and flushing down the night before. They say that just a touch in the morning time will make me feel better. My body is going through this gut-wrenching detox. I’m not sure why I have to learn my lesson this way. It can never be painless.
…and you leave without saying a word. Typical.
You can’t stay here this time. You can’t enter any crevice of space that belongs to me. It’s off limits. I know this quarantine and social distancing got you all up in your feelings, hitting me up because you “miss me” and you “need to see me” but I promise you, the travel through the petri dish that is outside is not worth the trip. Save safe and stay out of my life.
I left a blanket and pillow on top of the doormat though. I’ll give you some shelter from the rain that’s falling outside of my window but that’s how far I’ll go.
So damn inconsiderate, that’s you. Trying to be better, that’s me. You’re not respecting where I am. Me trying to better respect myself. None of this belongs to you anymore.
I remember when you occupied me. I thought it wasn’t possible to let go from it all. But you ended up being a witness to my weakness. You caught me slipping. You always do. Because I always feel like you come back into my life to test whether I’ve found my peace. Tempting me to just fall and to have you pick me back up to start this thing all over again. You can’t save me.
It’s tough because I see everyone enjoying your company except me and I want a piece. Ain’t nothing better to do then to get better acquainted with the things you’ve been missing. To say that I don’t miss you would be a lie. You used to always be right on time. You eased my aches. Ain’t nothing make me feel as good as you.
But it really ain’t worth it because as soon as we all have the luxury to be somewhere else, so will you. You’ll find someone who can use you the way you need without restrictions. I get yelled out by voices and spirits beyond human comprehension to stop doing what I know I shouldn’t be doing. I break up with you more than high school sweethearts. I’ll have to sit you on the shelf. I’ll have to cry myself into repentance. That’s why you make me do. I really don’t want that energy.
But I can’t lie, this empty house could use the noise cascading against its walls. I can only sit in silence for so long before it ravages me. I rather you ravage me out of this boredom. At least I’ll feel something other than my thoughts bouncing off the wall. I rather be bouncing off of the walls. Bouncing off of something.
But it can’t be you.